Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume

me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”

“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’

Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

If Mr Krabs owned a bar

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

[dinner]
prince eric:

ariel:

prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing

ariel: no no, not this crab

prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good

ariel: he was just a backup dancer

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet