@2sassy4anyH

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

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@mrjohndarby

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure

@lukeplusone

‘Why do birds suddenly appear’ is my favorite song about a group of people giving me the finger while I’m driving.

@PoorEvelyn

Today I bought cupcakes without sprinkles.

Diets are hard.

@johnbiehl

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

@GrantTanaka

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

@EvilSchwartzie

The police get mad at you if you try to marry a squirrel. Even if you’re pretty sure it’s a girl squirrel.

@Humor_Fetish

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”

@3sunzzz

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.