HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
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WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
as is their right
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
new year update: losing everything but weight
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.