HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

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You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice


I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.


Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that


It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back


Husband and wife near wishing well. Suddenly wife slips and fell in the well. Terrified husband: Noooooooooo…I can’t believe it’s working!


Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it


Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY


ME: How fresh is the “fresh octopus”?
WAITER: The chef is fighting it right now.


1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.