grandma: more potatoes?
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
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‘Why do birds suddenly appear’ is my favorite song about a group of people giving me the finger while I’m driving.
Today I bought cupcakes without sprinkles.
Diets are hard.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Every time. 😂
The police get mad at you if you try to marry a squirrel. Even if you’re pretty sure it’s a girl squirrel.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Him: You hang up first.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.