Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? ⁣
⁣
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh⁣

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

Best seat on the street 😍

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

ㅤ

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

😆

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there