HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
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Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*