HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
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“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:
1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the deathIf you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.