HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
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I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
This is no longer winter this is harassment
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal