HR said I’m not allowed to try to hang co-workers with an extension cord. Dunno what I’m supposed to use though, they wouldn’t tell me.

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All I want for Christmas is for the adults who say “See you next year” to be repeatedly tased.


If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.


Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”


Drug commercial just listed “death” as a possible side affect.

Seems totally legit.

Ask your doctor if possible death is right for you..


YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.


Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name “fire place”


Latino soap operas where no one seems to have locks on their doors and people burst in at odd hours demanding the truth


She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.


*passing a kidney stone*

Kidney stone: “Jeez I’m going the speed limit.”


Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.