@1Happytwit

HR said I’m not allowed to try to hang co-workers with an extension cord. Dunno what I’m supposed to use though, they wouldn’t tell me.

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@hunbothered

All I want for Christmas is for the adults who say “See you next year” to be repeatedly tased.

@pertyy_

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

@riscfuture

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

@AristotlesNZ

Drug commercial just listed “death” as a possible side affect.

Seems totally legit.

Ask your doctor if possible death is right for you..

@Molly_Kats

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

@matt_obrien

Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name “fire place”

@Nikky_Gin

Latino soap operas where no one seems to have locks on their doors and people burst in at odd hours demanding the truth

@SteveKoehler22

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

@OstracizedOstri

*passing a kidney stone*

Kidney stone: “Jeez I’m going the speed limit.”

@funflaps

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.