Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.