HR said no more nunchucks.
You Might Also Like
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Last-minute gift idea!
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.