HR said no more nunchucks.
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The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.