HR said no more nunchucks.
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Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Who’s your best friend?
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
🔥🔥
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”