HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
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Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission