HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
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This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
me at the job i begged god for
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.