Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…

…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

Many hands make light work

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?

Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.