HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
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The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Penguins walking in 5x speed
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.