HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
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*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once