HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
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[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
*watches the world burn*
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.