HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
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I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
I was just discussing this with my cat
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
eggs benadryl
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before