HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
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[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I ain’t wearing no wire
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.