HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
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Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%