HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
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Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I know
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.