HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
You Might Also Like
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
O Wise One….
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.