HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
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Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
serving silly goose instead of turkey
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…