HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
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[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.