HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
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I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”