Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.

Anyone want some garlic banana bread?

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man

How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:

1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.

I know this now.

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.

inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

You learn something every day

Therapist: What brings you here today?

Me: I’m a middle child.

Therapist: I see, classi..

Me: In between two sets of twins.

Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.