HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
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Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine