Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”

The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*

How did people charge their phones before electricity?

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

Priest: Body of Christ..

Gordon Ramsay: Dry.

Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“

Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…

#KarenAndTheCat 😉