HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
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Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Become ungovernable.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end