HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
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How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
You know…for fall…
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
My wife, to our therapist: “He always misunderstands simple questions.”
Therapist, to me: “What does she mean?”
Me: “It’s a feminine pronoun.”
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.