Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

Why is no one talking about this?!

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?

[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]

Me: I have no idea.

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

I don’t o u anything!

– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

Weirdos gonna weird.

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this