Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*

Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”

7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”

Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”

7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

how long have you had this for?

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.

Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”

How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.