Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?

So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.

It’s also raisin free.

And cake free.

OK it’s just rum

*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.

Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.

I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home

(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.