HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
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Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight