Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.

My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.