HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
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Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
me and the Superbowl rn
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
My first son he is wonderful
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
