Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.

10: When there were dinosaurs?

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard

THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.

THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

*throws nickel at grandpa*

I need more magic ear money.

The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.