Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

Stop sending me this shit.

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.

I said “Happy”

Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

Double negatives are never not confusing.

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?

Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son