HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
You Might Also Like
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Mad Max: Furry Road
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
The Sun
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Worth remembering.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function