HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
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i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
