Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?

Me: You don’t either!

4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now

Super glue dry times:

Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”