@thatUPSdude

HR: What are some of your strengths?

Me: Shifting the blame

HR: That’s a horrible reply

Me: No, your question was!

HR: Wow, you’re good!

You Might Also Like

@bonehugsnirony

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

@dadmann_walking

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

@Keys_ToMe

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

@marcmack

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

@stevevsninjas

We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.

@Tmoney68

According to my neighbor’s journal, I have “boundary isues.”

@DrakeGatsby

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

@laurenmacdonald

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

@Shanehasabeard

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

@afairiesweetear

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago