HR: What are some of your strengths?

Me: Shifting the blame

HR: That’s a horrible reply

Me: No, your question was!

HR: Wow, you’re good!

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Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try


5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though


I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”


I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.


We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.


According to my neighbor’s journal, I have “boundary isues.”


*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy


I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me


Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*


the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago