HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
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i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I think about this a lot
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out