Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
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Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Hello Twits.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR