Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”

“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”

Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia

Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-

Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Ugh, please just take me home

Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS

[White Castle]

YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.

ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.