Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

no..
one…

cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

For cardio I live beyond my means.

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

“I can’t lie to you”

You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like