HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
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Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Incredible customer service.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I’m a bad influence on myself.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?