HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
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I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
The Struggle
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Storm Tropical Storm
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.