Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

I’m gonna take this shit to another level!

*pushes elevator button*

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

Zack Greinke stories are the best

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*