Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

[DATE NIGHT]

Me: You and me baby

Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?

Me: so let’s do it….?

Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!

Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.