Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Me: *lies down to sleep*

Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”