Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!

Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.

Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.

Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it