therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
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At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave