Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking