HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
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My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
Monday
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell