sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
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I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles