Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.

Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.

Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.

Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

No. He’s not coming out to play

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’

Can’t. Being lazy.

When you have mixed feelings about bathtime

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

I just post them. I don’t explain them.