Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

them: our youngest is 73 months.

me: what’s that in human people years

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.