Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.

*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*

Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.

The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid

This made me chuckle cuz mood

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭

About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent

Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?