Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test

The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple