Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.

A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.

being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators