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@dorsalstream

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

@junejuly12

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

@UmarHSoaries

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

@david8hughes

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.

@HenpeckedHal

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

@SuperJuanderer

If a spider attacks you, you should play dead. No, wait… that’s for a bear. If a spider attacks a bear, you should play dead.

@haleysfalling

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

@DothTheDoth

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

@mindflakes

Nobody expects you to throw a typewriter at them, that’s what makes it such a fun surprise