Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
You Might Also Like
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Me: damn, doc I’m losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in?
Dr.: a plastic bag
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool