HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
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*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
[three days after inventing phone]
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
If a spider attacks you, you should play dead. No, wait… that’s for a bear. If a spider attacks a bear, you should play dead.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Nobody expects you to throw a typewriter at them, that’s what makes it such a fun surprise