You Might Also Like


HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.


*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*


They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink


Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.


[three days after inventing phone]


Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs


If a spider attacks you, you should play dead. No, wait… that’s for a bear. If a spider attacks a bear, you should play dead.


Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things


I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.


Nobody expects you to throw a typewriter at them, that’s what makes it such a fun surprise