People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
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doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
What number SPF blocks people?
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Anyone really
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste