There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
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1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
That earthquake could have been an email.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions