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@Home_Halfway

[Park]
PARENT: They grow up so fast. Which one is yours?
ME: *smiling proudly* The cat over there biting that blonde kid

@ThRealBallsDeep

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

@trims_the_fat

None of this is appropriate for anybody. Take the 18+ out of your bio.

@Ideal_Victoria

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

@TheHyyyype

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

@DanMentos

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

@captainkalvis

therapist: what’s your biggest fear

me: ghost chameleons bc they have

therapist: [gasps] double invisibility

@girlnarly

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

@iamspacegirl

me: I’m tired

Medieval Physician: Ok I’m gonna cut you open to drain your blood

me: Maybe I could rest

MP: haha no I’m cutting your veins