A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
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Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.