If I was a Hedge Fund losing billions to Reddit shitposters, I would get a second job driving for Uber, cut out the Starbuck’s, and skip the avocado toast.
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When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Who decided to call it parenting and not “kidding”?
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea. There is also a pile of trash the size of Texas.
Guess which one you’ll end up with
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Salad is the decaf of food.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.