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@OldPappyThomas

If I was a Hedge Fund losing billions to Reddit shitposters, I would get a second job driving for Uber, cut out the Starbuck’s, and skip the avocado toast.

@chris_isloi

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

@Malowbar

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.

@LindaSuePark

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

@OneFunnyMummy

Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.

@dugglebutt

There’s plenty of fish in the sea. There is also a pile of trash the size of Texas.

Guess which one you’ll end up with

@ThatMummyLife

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.