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I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Cartman: Respect my
a a
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”