the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
You Might Also Like
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
good work, everybody
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”