The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
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Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had