Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
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I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!