Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
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If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
being a writer on Twitter: