It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
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What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
💁🏻♂️
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
How actors in movies eat their food
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.