I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
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Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
english majors be like furthermore
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes