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@dubiousgenius

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

@Mom_Overboard

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

@david8hughes

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

@jmooallem

In the waning days of 2016, anything can happen. Even mystery pants.

@Alex_Houseof308

Me: I slay werewolves for a living.

Date: Haha, always joking around. Anyway, I read that tweet you sent to me, it was so funny, I howled!

Me: *Unsheathing silver cutlass* You What??

@UncleDuke1969

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

@ozzyunc

My great-grandmother lived to 101. Her six children are all alive & have each outlived a spouse. The secret to a long life is not enjoying it.

@poopiest

“haha this costume party is great”
“sir PLEASE get off the table”
“cool librarian costume”
*sprays silly string*
“hey dude nice police costu