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@Cheeseboy22

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

@brodyfontane

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

@TheBoydP

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

@Molly_Kats

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

@awkwardphilippe

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

@_TeaChap

I went on a date last night!nIt went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

@Mikecanrant

I’m not racist. I hate all races equally. Especially the 100 meter dash. All short and Olympickish.

@climaxximus

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

@PatsATweetin

Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.

@KateWhineHall

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?