We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
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Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business