What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
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Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.